Today I went to the memorial service for a baby that I was given the chance to care for this week. She had a very short life and I am honored that I was able to share in it, for her and her family. Her family is obviously devastated by her passing but were extremely grateful for the love and care she received in our NICU. It was touching to hear from her family how the nurses and physicians in our NICU touched their lives as we tried to save their precious baby, and also how they felt how much we cared about them as they held their baby and let her go.
The family has older children, an 11 y.o. boy and a 14 y.o girl. The first day that their baby sister was born, their father brought them into the NICU for a visit. I was taking care of the baby while her sister was visiting. She came up to the baby's bedside but was reluctant to get close or touch her new sister. I encouraged her to place her hand inside the isolette and touch her sister. She placed her hand beside her sister's hand and the sweet baby grabbed her finger. I have never seen such a smile. Today at the memorial the chaplain read a letter that each child wrote to their sister. This moment was what big sister chose to write about. She wrote that she will always have that special moment with her sister that she will always remember and cherish it. Moments like this are why I know I chose the right career. I, and the other nurses I have the privledge to work with, made a difference for this family, even though we were unable to save her life. They are content now with the feeling that she is in a better place where she won't suffer.
There is no way to understand the death of a child and my heart will always ache for this family and their pain. As much as it was painful to see the family suffer today and hear their stories, I am glad that I went to the memorial. I know it meant a great deal to them to have some of our staff there to support them. When I left, I picked up Logan at school and hugged him tighter than I have in awhile. Life is so precious. I have so many friends that are pregnant right now and many that have suffered similar losses, whether it be recently or years ago. Losing a child at any time is such a tremendous loss and I can't begin to express how sorry I am for anyone that has lost a child.
I my own pregnancy, I think being a NICU nurse is a bit of a blessing and a curse. I know a great deal about fetal development and at what gestation a fetus becomes a "viable life" and also what the chances of survival are at each week of gestation after that point. I know so many things that can go wrong...but I also know that most things can be overcome, especially when you have neonatalogists and neonatal nurse practioners as fantastic as ours. There are some things that can't be overcome and those are the things that scare me. Pregnancy is one of those situations where I think the phrase "ignorance is bliss" rightly applies. In my pregnancy I do not have that luxury. Especially after all the struggle Shawn and I went through to get to a pregnancy at all, I worry daily that something will happen to destroy the current happy bubble I live in.
This was in the program from the memorial today.
Tiny Soul
When God send forth a tiny soul to learn the ways of earth,
A mother's love is waiting here, we call this wonder birth.
When God calls home a little soul and stills a fleeting breath,
A Father's love is waiting there, this too is birth not death.
